Forgiving but Not Forgetting: What to Do When Forgiveness Comes with Reminders
Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the Christian life, especially for those walking the narrow road of addiction recovery, or are a loved one traveling alongside them. But what happens when someone says they forgive you, yet continue reminding you of your past mistakes? This can be a frustrating and painful experience, but it offers profound opportunities for growth, healing, and understanding—for both you and the person reminding you. Let’s explore this from a biblical perspective and uncover how you can navigate these challenges with grace.
The major obstacles arise from the mistakes that were made by both the person who abused substances and their loved ones. Let’s face the fact that addiction is insanity, so, during it everyone involved is dealing with long-time unnatural and horrific behaviors.
True Forgiveness: Releasing the Debt
Forgiveness, in its truest sense, means letting go of the offense and refusing to hold it against the person who caused harm. In the Bible, God models this perfectly:
- Psalm 103:12 reminds us, “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.” When God forgives, He chooses not to dwell on our sins.
- 1 Corinthians 13:5 teaches that love “keeps no record of wrongs.” Forgiveness is an act of love that involves releasing the offender from a relational debt.
Yet, forgiveness doesn’t always mean forgetting in a literal sense. We are just humans, made of dirt. None of us are God, and emotions like hurt, mistrust, and fear can linger even after forgiveness is spoken. When reminders come, it often signals that the forgiver is still processing their pain.
Why Do They Keep Bringing It Up?
If someone keeps reminding you of an offense after saying they’ve forgiven you, consider these potential reasons:
- Unresolved Hurt: The emotional wound may still feel raw. While forgiveness is a decision, healing is a journey that takes time. Allow time to pass.
- Broken Trust: Significant harm often fractures trust. Repeated reminders may be their way of guarding themselves against further hurt.
- Misunderstanding Forgiveness: Some believe forgiveness means erasing the offense from memory entirely. When memories resurface, they may feel conflicted, unsure of how to reconcile forgiveness with lingering feelings. Trauma is a very complicated matter.
Your Role in the Healing Process
As someone seeking to rebuild trust and make amends, your response to their reminders matters deeply. Here are some ways to approach the situation:
1. Seek Clarity
Open a gentle dialogue to understand their perspective. For example:
“I sense this is still on your heart. Can you share what’s making it hard to move forward? I want to make things right.”
This demonstrates humility and a genuine desire to help.
2. Demonstrate Change
Actions speak louder than words. Show through consistent behavior that you are committed to growth. In addiction recovery, this might mean attending meetings, maintaining accountability, or leaning on your faith to resist temptation.
3. Extend Grace
Recognize that forgiveness doesn’t always erase the pain instantly. Be patient and compassionate as they work through their emotions. Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Encouraging True Forgiveness
If appropriate, gently encourage the person to reflect on biblical principles of forgiveness:
- Matthew 18:21-22: Jesus tells Peter to forgive “seventy times seven,” emphasizing that forgiveness is a continual choice.
- Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Forgiveness is a reflection of God’s grace.
However, avoid using Scripture to pressure them. Healing often requires both spiritual encouragement and emotional support.
Below are words from the mouth of Jesus Himself:
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Matthew 6:14-15
Balancing Forgiveness and Accountability
Forgiveness does not erase the need for accountability. If your actions caused harm, it’s important to:
- Take Responsibility: Own up to your mistakes without defensiveness.
- Rebuild Trust: Understand that trust takes time and is earned through consistent, trustworthy actions.
- Respect Their Boundaries: If they need space or time, honor that while continuing to work on your own growth.
Forgiveness Without Bitterness
When someone repeatedly brings up your past, it’s easy to feel frustrated or judged. But as followers of Christ, we are called to respond with grace. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Jesus in Matthew 5:9). Strive to be a source of peace and reconciliation, even when emotions run high.
A Path Toward Healing
When forgiveness comes with reminders, it’s an invitation to deeper healing—both for you and the person who’s struggling. By approaching the situation with humility, patience, and love, you can help restore trust and reflect Christ’s grace, love, and mind.
Remember, forgiveness is not a one-time event but a process that mirrors God’s ongoing work in our lives. Be faithful in your repentance, consistent in your actions, and steadfast in your prayers. Healing may take time, but with God’s help, it is always possible.
Have a blessed rest of your day, seasoned with Jesus’ love and forgiveness! Hope to see you next post. Bye for now!
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